No Fred, you don’t understand. I have loved you ever since we met. You confessed that you are gay, yes I was a bit shocked because I really don’t expect it that way. But, you know what that’s immaterial. I have loved you for who you are, I have loved you for what you are and I will love you for what you will be."
Shortly after the fourteen malaria tablets episode, or 14MTE; about nine hours later, in fact, she was still feeling terrible. She wanted to kill herself. So she went to the roof of the tallest building of our school and prepared to jump down to her death.
One of her favorite bands, Placebo, has a video where Brian Molko, the vocalist, is standing on a ledge and getting ready to kill himself. Before he jumps, he crosses his fingers. She thought that was a very powerful dramatic image so, before jumping, she crossed her fingers, closed her eyes and flung her body into the mercy of gravity.
As she felt the air received her, she heard a shout and felt something suddenly grabbed her at the back. She opened her eyes in surprise and turned around. She saw me holding tightly to the back of her shirt and her right arm. I was pale and breathing hard, and I kept saying, “I’ve got you. I’ve got you. Thank God I reached just in time. When I saw you up here I thought I couldn’t make it fast enough to get you”. Furious, she pushed me away and staggered a little before she regained her balance.
“What the hell did you think you were doing”? She demanded.
My eyes widened. “What was I doing? What were you doing? Don’t you know you could have died if you have fallen down”?
“Well, Yeah”! She said sarcastically. “In fact that was the idea”!
I seemed taken aback. “You mean you wanted to kill yourself? You wanted to die”?
“Genius deduction, Watson”!
“But why”? My face was flushed.
“None of your business”! She stepped to the edge again. I immediately stopped her. “Hey what’s your problem”?
“No. What’s your problem”? I retorted. “You can’t kill yourself. It’s wrong”.
She rolled her eyes. “Great. A pro-lifer! Look, what do I have to do for you to leave me alone”?
“You can step away from there and come down with me”. I replied.
“No”!
“Fine”! I shrugged. “I’ll drag you down”.
“Don’t you dare”! She pointed a menacing finger at me. “Leave me alone”!
I didn’t say another word. I just took hold of her and dragged her away from the edge of the roof.
“Let go of me”! She screamed. “I’ll tell the police you tried to kidnap me and you’ll rot in jail for the rest of your pathetic life”!
“My family is rich. I’ll bribe the police not to believe in you”. I replied.
“Don’t make me hurt you”! She threatened.
I laughed. “I am bigger than you are. You can’t hurt me”.
“Don’t say that I didn’t warn you, jerk”!
She kicked me in the groin.
“Owff”! I said and instantly let go of her to cup my injured privates. Tears squeezed out the corners of my eyes.
“I told you”! She said to me and started to go away. Then she stopped and turned to look back at me. I hadn’t moved an inch. My face seemed to be turning purple from the pain.
I didn’t reply.
“Hey. Hey! Are you okay”? She couldn’t stop the note of worry from creeping into her voice. I looked really terrible.
“C-Clinic”! I gasped, then fainted.
Uh-oh.
“Don’t worry”, the doctor said with reassuring smile. “He’ll just be fine. The cold compress will take care of the swelling”.
“Uhm, thanks”. She was so relieved.
“What happened anyway”? The lady doctor asked.
“Well, we had a fight”, she confessed guiltily.
The doctor raised her eyebrows. “And you kicked him”? She nodded. “It must have been a very bad fight. What was it about”?
“Oh, he did something that I didn’t want him to do”.
“I understand. He slept with another girl, right”?
“What”? she was startled
“I can understand your reaction”. The doctor told her.
“It’s common enough. In fact, when I found out that my forty-five-year old husband had a twenty-five-year old girlfriend, I was so angry I hit him on the head with hammer. He lived but his skull was fractured”.
“Oh”, was the only reaction she could think of to her story. “But really, you’re mistaken. That guy I kicked, he’s not my boyfriend. I just met him”.
“Is that so”?
“Yes”.
“And you already had a fight with him”?
“Uh, yeah”!
She smiled. “Then that means that if he’s not your boyfriend now, he will eventually be. That’s how relationships start, you know”.
“Well, I didn’t know”. She forced herself to be polite. “Uhm, is it possible for me to see him now”?
“Oh sure! Just go right in”.
When she went into the little room, she immediately noted with relief that I don’t look purple anymore. However, I looked angry and that was bad”.
“Hi”. She said uncertainly.
I glared at her. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be dead by now? I thought you wanted to kill yourself. Well, the next time I’ll see you on the top of the building, I’ll gladly help you again. I’ll push you off myself”.
“I guessed I owe you an apology”. My expression became fiercer. “And hundreds of thousands in damages”, She added.
“If I’ll never have children, I’ll never forgive you”.
“Okay”. She nodded. “That’s fair enough. But seriously, I’m sorry”.
I softened somewhat. “Let me see your shoes”
“What”?
“Your shoes, let me see them”.
Thinking that maybe she kicked me too hard that it had affected my brain, she decided to humor me and let me have a look at her footwear.
I cursed. “No wonder I saw the entire universe when you kicked me”! I exclaimed. “Those combat boots are monstrous”!
“Exactly why I like them”, she retorted.
I sighed then shrugged. “Well, the damage has been done. I just hoped it isn’t permanent”. I looked at her and really seemed to see her at the first time. “What’s your name by the way”?
“Hyacinth”.
I chuckled. “No kidding! As in the kind of flower”?
“No”! She snapped. I blushed. Still feeling guilty, she went on in a more neutral tone, “Of course. What else could a Hyacinth be”?
I relaxed. “I like it. It’s different. My name is Frederick.
She raised an eyebrow. “As in the peaceful ruler”?
“Yeah”. I laughed. My name means a peaceful ruler. How come she possibly know what my name means. Such a genius girl!
“Well since you’re okay”, she said, “I guessed I better be going. Bye, and sorry again”.
“Wait”! I called after her. “You’re not going to try to kill yourself again, are you”?
“No. Two suicide attempts a day is my limit”, she replied. “I am going home”.
“Do you have a ride? I’ll drive you home”, I offered.
“No thanks. My house is just a few kilometers away”.
“I’ll drive you home”.
“I’ll try a cab then, Fred”.
“No. I’m driving you home”. I insisted.
So I did.
“Who was that”? Her mother demanded as soon as she walked through the door. She had been watching from the window when I pulled up.
“Nobody. Just a guy”.
Her mother nodded. “Don’t let your father catch you riding a car with a boy. He won’t like it. You’re too young for that sort of thing”.
Sighing, Hyacinth went into her room.
Every time things got really bad, she’d listen to Placebo. There’s just something about the music and Brian Molko’s voice that makes her feel not completely miserable.
“Oh, I just wanted to see if you’re still alive”, I replied.
“Well, you’ve seen me breathing. Now go away”.
“Need a ride to school”?
She glared at me, but she got into the car anyway. She didn’t say another word until I myself broke the silence.
“So, why don’t your parents hire a psychiatrist for you? You need one, you know”, I said conversationally.
“Well, unlike yours, my family isn’t rich”.
“Well”, I cleared my throat, “We’re not rich either. Just comfortable”.
“That must be very nice for you”.
“Of course. What do your parents do anyway? You seem pretty comfortable yourself”.
“My father’s dead and my mother stays at home. It’s my sister who works. She’s a physician.
“Really? Her name isn’t Rose, Orchids or Zinnia, is it”? I teased.
She shook her head. “No. Actually she’s called Periwinkle”.
I burst out laughing. “That is so weird! How did you two get names like that”?
“Our mother used to be a floriculturist”.
“How about you? Are you going to be a floriculturist too or a physician”?
“Neither one. I am taking up Nursing”.
“Oh, you’re going to be a nurse. That’s nice”.
“It’s okay. And you? What do you want to be”?
“I have absolutely no idea”, I said with a grin.
“Then, what are you doing in school”?
“Earning my allowance. I used to be a BS Chemistry student, now I am studying Political Science. Maybe next semester, I’ll shift to nursing. What do you think”?
“Do whatever you want”.
“That’s exactly what I am doing”.
“So, what are you saying is that, basically you have absolutely no direction in your life”? She asked.
“Well,” I shrugged. “I wouldn’t say exactly that. I do have a direction in my life. It’s just that the direction is a bit aimless”.
“Aimless”? She repeated dryly. “Meaning, you’re just wasting your time living for nothing”?
“That’s not true”! I retorted hotly. “I am living for something. I am living for life. I like my life. I enjoy it. You are the crazy one who hates life and wants to die”.
There was a tense silence for a few moments, then I coughed. “I didn’t really mean it when I say you were crazy”, I mumbled apologetically.
“Forget it, you’re right”.
I glanced at her. “Why do you want to die”? I asked her.
She stared straight ahead. “I don’t want to talk about”.
I nodded slowly. “Okay. But promise me something, will you”?
“What”?
“If you ever try to kill yourself again, before you do it, talk to me first. Okay? At least give me a chance to save you again. Promise”?
She couldn’t make that promise, so she just said nothing.
For the next few weeks, I became as constant as her shadow. I picked her up every morning and drove her home after school every day. One afternoon, I took her to our house. As soon as she saw where I lived, she became somewhat apprehensive. When we went inside and I introduced her to my mom. She felt worst.
“Hello”! My mother greeted her warmly. “So, you are Fred’s new friend. He told me a lot about you”.
Instantly she became suspicious. “Really? What did he tell you ma’am”?
“Oh, things about you. He really likes you, you know”.
“Mom”! I exclaimed in alarm.
“Well, that’s what you told me”. My mother reproached me.
“Come on”! I grabbed her hand. “Let’s go into my room before my mom will show you my baby pictures and I’ll surely die of humiliation”!
“I do hope you can stay for dinner! My husband would love to know you”! My mother called after us as we went up the stairs.
According to Hyacinth, my room doesn’t suit me at all. It was too neat and too clean. Everything was in perfect order. It gave her the creeps.
“This is the strangest bedroom I’ve ever seen”. She told me. “You’re a guy. Your room is supposed to be a working model of chaos, not obsessive compulsive heaven”.
“I like my things neat”. I explained.
She drifted over to where I kept my immaculately arranged CD’s and DVD’s. One of the albums caught her eyes. She held it up. “Westlife”? She said in a tone that other people would use to scream. “Beware of the Plague”!
I grinned. “My ex-BOYFRIEND liked them”.
She blushed heavily. “Boyfriend”?
“Yes you have heard it right. Aia, I am GAY”. I confessed wholeheartedly yet very nervously.
Honestly, I decided to tell her the truth because it’s not in my personality to pretend. I am not a pretentious person. I am who I am, what you see is what you get. No more no less.
Tears fell down from Aia’s eyes. By the way, I call her Aia as a sort of my endearment to her. I don’t know exactly if that’s a feeling of frustration or what because I somewhat felt that she’s beginning to fall for me.
She promptly got her hanky from her bag and wiped her tears abruptly. “I see. That’s fine Fred. It doesn’t make you less of a man. At least, you’ve been very honest to me. I appreciate your courage that much especially it’s not really that easy to have such confession”.
I know that time that I have really hurt her. True enough because I have seen her shed tears when the time I decided to make my confession. Taking a good heart examining myself, though I am in a stage of “in denial” I may say that it is me who had completely fallen for Aia.
“I should be getting home”.
“I’ll take you home later. I want to talk to you for a while first”.
She shrugged. “Fine. What do you want to talk about”?
I suddenly seemed nervous. “I don’t know how to start”.
“Just say it”.
I took a deep breath, then exhaled for what seemed like forever. Finally I spoke, “I really like you”.
It took some time before she could think of something to say to that. “Huh”?
“What”? I was confused. “Aia, is it because that you’ve found out that I am GAY”?
She just stared at me for a long time and tears fell down from her eyes once more.
“Aia, I said that I like you”! I repeated.
“I like you too”. She told me and prayed to whatever god there was that would be the end of it. However no god is listening.
“I don’t think you understand”. I began. “When I said I like you, I mean that I like you in a special way, in a more-than-friends way. Do you get me”?
“I really don’t want to hear this.” She was having difficulty breathing. “I didn’t want the way things are going”.
“Is it because that you knew that I am GAY”? I asked her with my voice trembling.
“No Fred, you don’t understand. I have loved you ever since we met. You confessed that you are gay, yes I was a bit shocked because I really don’t expect it that way. But, you know what that’s immaterial. I have loved you for who you are, I have loved you for what you are and I will love you for what you will be.
“But you know what is the problem? It’s because of me. I am crazy Fred, don’t you see”? She shouted at me crying. “You can’t like me or love me. I am not normal. Don’t do this Fred, please I beg”!
“Why are you acting this way? Is it so wrong if somebody loves you? I think you should be glad that I care”?
“Don’t care about me Fred! I don’t want you to care! If you had let me die, then this wouldn’t have happened. I don’t need this right now. I don’t need another person to need me! Leave me alone Fred. I don’t ever want to see you again.”
She ran out of our house as fast as she could. I have tried to go after her but I failed to reach out to her. I just felt so helpless.
She looked at the hard ground below, crossed her fingers and stepped away from the edge. “How come you always show up every time I come here”? She wondered. “You got spider-sense or something”? She asked me.
I shook my head. “No spider-sense. Just a Hyacinth-sense”.
“I thought I had made you hate me”. She half-whispered but I heard her.
“No, you just pissed me off”. I said. “But I am over it now”. I grinned easily to prove it
“Good”.
“I guess”, I spoke hesitantly “I was wrong”.
“About what”? She wanted to know.
“Those things I said before. I was just thinking about my feelings. I never really considered yours. I never realized that you needed a friend more than you need a boyfriend”.
She was silent.
“So”, I smiled. “ I am going to be your friend and nothing but a friend from now on. No more embarrassing confessions about love and stuff. Just friends. Okay”? I looked at her inquiringly.
She told her heart not to twist in such a painful way. “Okay”. She agreed. “Just friends”.
“Hyacinth, is that you”? She was half-drowning in the pouring rain, the flowers in her hand were looking totally miserable. It wasn’t really fair.
“You spooked my mom you know. She thought it was Mike Myers standing out in the rain and watching our house like he was planning to break in and murder us in our sleep. My dad almost called a police then I thought that I recognized you”.
“What are you doing here”? I asked. “And why do you have flowers”?
“They’re for you”. She shoved them into my hands.
My mouth quirked with amusement.
“You know, with other people, it’s the guy who usually gives the girl flowers, and not vice versa”. I told her.
“Well, I’m not other people”.
“Amen to that”. I responded.
“Now, what are you really doing here”? I continued.
“You know why”. She just stared me directly in my eyes.
“No. Tell me”.
She became annoyed. “Do I really have to say it”?
“Yeah”, I was smiling hugely. “You made me say it. Now it’s your turn”.
“Fred.” She began, “you know that I am weird. I have issues. I am suicidal. I have intimacy problems. But—“. She stopped.
“Yes”? I urged.
“But sometimes when someone saves you from falling off a building, you fall in another way. Do you get me”?
“Go on”. My eyes are shining.
“So catch me Okay”?
“Of course”. I responded as I hugged her in the middle of the pouring rain.